Wookiee Hut Movie Reviews presents:
The Emperor's New Groove
Review by Diana DeRiggs

Voice Talents: David Spade, Eartha Kitt, Patrick Warburton, John Goodman

Rating: Imperial Star Destroyer

This is a Disney animated film which uses established actors as both voice talent and as inspirations for the drawn characters. The style is funky, kind of psychedelic, the animation and staging superlative, as expected from the Disney label. And more and more, Disney movies are multi-generational, with jokes and gags more appropriate to an older crowd. They go over the kids' heads, so no worries about unnecessary trauma to the kiddies. It works and it's funny!

David Spade is the almost-18 year old, coming-of-age, typically teenagerish aristocratic Emperor Kuzco of some Central/South American kingdom vaguely like the Inca or the Maya. He's turned into a llama by his vengueful newly-fired advisor, Yzma -- played evilly by Earth Kitt -- and her hapless henchman Kronk. They hunt the Emperor, needing to kill him to inherit the kingdom. Kuzco is befriended and rescued by the peasant Pacha, voiced by John Goodman.

This review actually concentrates on Kronk, the henchman.

Kronk is a himbo -- he's 20-something to Yzma's 70+ years. According to Kuzco, she gets a new boy every decade or so. By Yzma's own admission, her reliance on toyboys like Kronk is pathetic, but probably necessary.

Kronk is a beautiful man. He tells the royal dresser he's hard to fit, a "66 long and 31 waist." He has a big, square jaw, and a chiseled face and body. He has a great, baritone voice and is really really goofy. He has an angel and a devil to advise him, one per broad shoulder ... one helps him on the path of righteousness, the other leads him "down a path that rocks." He wears a beanie with springy thing on top.

So he's not so good in the brains department. He's not dumb or without skills, though ... just clueless. He speaks chipmunk, squirrel, and other woodland creature tongues; knows short order cooking, in both substance and jargon; makes full meals -- from spinach puffs to dessert and coffee -- effortlessly; and is strong enough to breezily carry a fully appointed sedan chair on his shoulders by himself to transport Yzma around the jungle. He recognizes hand-carved wood and won't destroy it, and can jump rope double-dutch!

I LOVE Kronk. I desperately want this cartoon man to be real. I want a guy to give me massages, carry me around and make dinner for me. A man who loves me in all innocence, and thinks I'm really great, despite my physical or mental states. He'll fluff my pillows, serve me fresh out-of-the-oven spinach puffs, pour my drinks, pat my body.

I know this is politically incorrect. I want a himbo. I want a well educated, skilled, goofy, fun, clueless himbo. A guy who listens and obeys. He should be young and virile and good looking and strong.

Basically, I want a 1950's model wife, only as a guy.

The comedy Kronk performs is effortless and fresh, dry and slapstick at the same time. His voice is acted by Patrick Warburton, whom I suspect is probably a hunky type. He speaks breathlessly, as if filled with wonder at every little thing, loved by animals and children alike. So what is he doing with the evil, grotesque Yzma?

He's an innocent, and is flattered by her attentions. He prides himself as being able to get through her "wall." He truly enjoys serving her, might even love her in his innocent, sweet way. He might even be gay and just respect her sense of style.

Where are these guys in real life?

It's not as attractive to be a male bimbo as a female one. I think men as sweet as Kronk get beaten up a lot and lose their innocence easily. In real life, men who are as intelligent and as skilled as Kronk are never without ambition of some sort, even if that's simple male ego.

So my dream guy is a cartoon, and -- those other mythical creatures Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny -- will forever be out of my reach. Kronk's presence on video is worth the price of this tape alone. The whole movie is actually funny and very well done, and in truth, Kronk can be considered a minor part of the movie. You'll likely enjoy it whether you love himbos or not. But check out Kronk closely. Women will know what I mean. Men should learn!