Heavy Metal 2000
Movie Review by Diana DeRiggs, Shadow
Director:Michael Coldewey, Michel Lemire
Publisher/Distributor: Columbia TriStar Home Entertainment
Rating: (Broken) Speeder Bike
You know when you see the cover of some videos or DVDs, and they look rockin'? You see names like Billy Idol or Insane Clown Posse for voices, and you figure, hey, wow! And you know the first Heavy Metal animated movie featured music by Devo, Sammy Hagar, Cheap Trick, Black Sabbath, even Stevie Nicks. It's been nearly 20 years, enough time for an awesome reunion or new metal gods, right? So you pick up a copy and your fingers tremble on the remote in anticipation ...
And some of you will recognize that this is the same reaction many have to porn videos ... and you know what? The experience is similar. Heavy Metal 2000 totally SUCKS. The story is about ... um ... not sure. It was so awful that we spent the whole experience gagging and hollering at the tube. Why did we watch it at all? We were praying it would get better. But it got worse.
Basically, it's about a girl with big tits and a tiny waist and big, big guns. There are some cool-ish but stupid vehicles. Really bad acting. Even the soundtrack totally sucked. There was no excuse to make this movie other than to mine the same grooves that the original movie opened.
Oh god, I'm going to cry, this was SO bad. The drawings were awful, the computer animation was amateurish at best, the chicks were big, buff, transvestites. The surprise ending was awfully contrived, and what was with the cuddly rock being??? I will never, ever get those 88 minutes back in my life. It so sucked. Go watch it if you're a masochist loser.
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