Advice & Opinions From the Fabled Ewok!

The one and only Lieutenant Kettch of Hawkbat/Wraith Squadron is a
purveyor of advice. Part Stengel-ese, part Kenny McCormick, Kettch is at least entertaining, and occasionally helpful! Kettch is also very opinionated, and you'll find his favorite links to other sites!

Got a question you want answered?
Ask Kettch! Yub! Yub!



Agony Aunt Kettch!
Tell Aunty Kettchy all about it!

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Dear Kettch,
I am on a book competition team and one member refuzes to read the books. Now I have to do all the work myself. What shall I do?"
Signed, Frustrated

Dear Tater,
That'll larn you fer readin'.
Ignerrantly, Kettch

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Dear Kettch,
I was at a sanctuary garden this morning. I love it there, it's so peaceful. Anyway, an older woman was there and she collapsed in a faint! The guards called the medics and they revived her and wanted to take her to the medcenter to make sure she was okay. But she kept hollering that she was fine and to leave her alone! The guards asked me to direct people to another exit who wanted to leave, so they wouldn't have to observe a crazy woman being restrained and bodily stuffed into the ambulance. I did the right thing and was a good citizen and helped as asked, but it made me late for work! My boss is mad at me, what should I have done?
Signed, Right but late

Dear Left,
Sometimes, old meat is just old meat and you can't make meatballs out of old meat. Did they offer spaghetti? I hope you refused it!
Twirlingly, Kettch

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Dear Kettch,
I am a teacher, and one of the students started having a temper tantrum. He actually threw himself down on the floor and kicked and screamed that things were unfair! I should have send him to the vice principal's office, but he's young and I would have had to escort him, and I still had a whole class full of other kids. What could I have done?? I am at wit's end with this kid!
Signed, Fit to teach but not to discipline

Dear Fit Pitcher,
You can make serious money with a freak show! Next time, have some doggy treats to lure the monkey into a cage for easy sale and transport.
Opportunistically, Kettch

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Dear Kettch,
My mom doesn't like my boyfriend. Well, he's not my boyfriend, because I married him, but no one knows. You can see why I want her to like him, because he's her son-in-law! I should have worked on liking him first before getting married, I know ... and I'll have to tell her someday, of course ... but I would really rather he and she get along well before I do. Any ideas?
Signed, Out of Order

Dear Out of Mind,
Who're are you fooling? You're pregnant, probably with twins. Your husband will likely kill your mother, and everyone else too. You're so hosed.
Eyes Rolling, Kettch

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Dear Kettch,
I'm a nice person, really I am, and what's more, I'm really perfect in every way. I exercise excessively to look good, I am always looking out for business opportunities, and I try to do the right thing by telling people if they want to take a photo of me that they have to sign an agreement saying I could use their photo for anything I need to use it for. So why don't people like me?
Signed, Perfect

Dear Perfection Salad,
People don't like perfection. It makes them feel crawly, because it IS crawly. You have to buy some friends, who although not real, at least they will know you are perfect and you will always know where you stand.
Avertingly, Kettch

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Dear Kettch,
This girl I know ... when the phone rings, she comes running! It's not even her phone! And all she does is ask who it is and jumps up and down and makes squeaky noises till I let her have the phone! Deos she think she's an Ewok?? Is there anything i can do to get some peace?
Signed, Bent Ear

Dear Bent Out of Shape,
Give me her number ... she sounds cute!
Amorously Intentioned, Kettch

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Dear Kettch,
I went to a restaurant and this waiter gave me the wrong drink, and I actually had to chase him down and force him to get me another one and he still messed that up, and I had to order something else! Should I have tipped him?? What's more, he vacuumed the carpet right under us as we were eating! It was noisy! The air from the vacuum was not appetizing smelling! Help!
Signed, Thirsty, Dusty and Upset

Dear Parched and Deaf,
What did the leper say to the hooker? Keep the tip!
Justifiably, Kettch

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Dear Kettch,
What do you think is appropriate remedial action for violators of the common courtesy of shutting off cell phones and for adults who keep crying children, both at public movie showings?
Signed, Fuming in the Dark

Dear Smoke a Dope,
Personally, I like giving those cell phone things to the crying child for use in the "orifice of exploration" and stringing up the other for execution by pelting using BBs taken from the concession stand garbage. Makes a cracking good noise should the movie go dull.
Stickily, Kettch

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Dear Kettch,
I have a nephew -- well, he's not really my nephew, but his folks disappeared and I was the only known living relative he had left. So even though we're only loosely related by marriage (not to each other), the wife and I got stuck with him. The little twerp is whiney. No matter how I discipline him, he whines and keeps telling me stuff isn't fair. He reminds me of his father, and I'm afraid he inherited more than this personality quirk. I'd promised the guy who brought this kid to me that I'd raise him in ignorance of his heritage and background, but I can see as he grows that he's more and more like his Dad. Unfortunately, his Dad is an asshole. Any way you can suggest to cut him off from his heritage?
Signed, Uncle Don't Whine

Dear Whiney Uncle,
Next time, offer him a cheese platter. Anyway, if he whines, no one will mate with him, and that will be the end of that.
Hopefully, Kettch

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Dear Kettch,
I work with a bunch of people in what could be called a 'special club' -- we do "jobs" together, eat together, share work and chores, and are generally respectful of each other's abilities and quirks. The problem is one of us smells bad. Okay, he's a big pig. We all like and respect him, but his smell in a closed area is enough to give us headaches or force loss of consciousness! How do we break it to him gently? He's really a nice guy, and really really big. The rest of us have talked about it and agreed that if it was any of us, we'd want to know.
Signed, Aromatically Challenged

Dear Aromatron,
Make gas masks a required part of the uniform. For everyone.
Tactfully, Kettch

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Dear Kettch,
I won't give the name of the guy, but this gross, greasy, fat slug used to own me and he forced me to wear this scanty bikini that left NOTHING to the imagination. In fact, it may have enhanced me somewhat. I was a sex object, and I hate to admit it, but I LOVED it! It was years ago, and now I'm married. I have had kids and have dieted aggressively to keep my body small, but I wonder if I'm doing it because I want to be 16 forever, or because I want to be on the end of a leash? It was totally demeaning and icky, but I like the fashions. Am I sick? Okay, so I killed him, and maybe I shouldn't have ...
Signed, Fashionable Undresser

Dear Wannabe,
I'm small too, but using prosthetics takes care of that.
Nudely, Kettch

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Dear Kettch,
I've been fighting with the rebellion (I won't say WHICH rebellion) for about four years. During that time, I've become good friends with one of my co-rebels, and I think I've fallen in love with her. I'm pretty sure she doesn't feel the same way, as she is currently pining over some scoundrel whom we know mutually. I know the logical thing to do is forget her; however, all my attempts to do so have failed. I think about her all the time. I even dream about her. We spend so much time together in close quarters, and she's so strong, yet I want to protect her. If it doesn't work out I'd feel like a total fool if I ruined anything between us. I don't want us to stop being friends. In a way, she's like a sister to me. But I'm afraid if I keep this up, I might become a stalker or something. What can I do??
Signed, Rebel Lover Wannabe

Dear Wannabe,
Your sister?!? You're a sicko.
More Than Mildly Disgusted, Kettch

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Dear Kettch,
I'm a former glitterstim addict, and I swear I'm over it. I'm not tempted at all. But I'm throwing a shindig and all my mates are glitbiters. I mean, it's okay, I don't mind if they do it. But I don't think I should supply the stuff, you know? I want to make it a BYOG party, but I'm afraid they'll beat me up. Any tips on how to word the invitation?
Signed, Cowardly Former GlitLover

Dear Punching Bag,
You are a cheapskate. Go hurt yourself -- at least your friends won't have the satisfaction of doing it to you.
Salves and Kisses, Kettch

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Dear Kettch,
I work with a girl who I'm certain is a Sith princess or something. She's so evil, and she's really mean to everyone, even customers! I think she needs to be neutralized, but I fear she might be carrying a lightsabre or her pointy teeth might be more than cosmetic. Should I quit my job? But I really like it here, except for this witch. Please give me permission to flay her??
Signed, Love my job, hate my coworker

Dear Lover/Hater of Cows,
Remember, always TWO there are, and we all know what happens when you get between a mama rancor and her pup. Divide and conquer is the normal rule of thumb, but not when you'll lose your head. Try prodding the younger one and see if you get served as barbeque. If you don't shower in an attempt to be contrary, that will provide additional seasoning.
Perfumedly, Kettch

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Dear Kettch,
My husband has indicated he no longer loves me or my principles. However, he doesn't want a divorce, and he won't leave home. He often goes out and comes home with limbs missing! What can I do?? If he doesn't love me, I don't want him in my house! Oh, and I'm pregnant with twins, and I don't want him to know about them. Help!
Signed, Sadder and Wiser, but still stuck!

Dear Sad, Wise, Sticky Girl,
After the egg is cracked, it is very hard to hard-boil. At least, not without wondering what the heck you are doing and doing a bad, smelly job of it, all in all. Short of being a dark lord of the sith, what he doesn't know, he won't. Time to run to Alderaan, dearie.
Also suggest changing the locks to something unforceable, Kettch

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Dear Kettch,
What do I do about butt-in-ski and antherwise annoying inlaws?

Signed, The Outlaw

Dear Outlaw,
Rumps are best sautéed in a hot griddle with many lashings of butter. Serve with mushrooms and toast. Makes for a very savoryy treat. Get the kids to help too.

Tastefully, Kettch

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Dear Kettch,
My coworker is annoying me. All she ever talks about anymore is this guy that she's been talking to on the phone. She says she is talking to a famous person, and the stories she tells about what she and this guy talk about are literally unbelievable. She has just met this guy in person and the stories have gotten to be even worse. What do I do?

Almost Famous

Dear Almost Famous,
Your coworker has delusions of grandeur. Perchance, is she a protocol droid? Does she speak Bocce? If so, she may yet be of some use to us ...

Repeatedly, Kettch

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Dear Kettch,
I would like to keep a nice little vegetable garden, but the bunnies eat my plants and the chipmunks keep digging holes. What should I do?

Signed, Rodent Infested

Dear Rodent Infested,
Get a Super Soaker, one of those long-range suckers. Or save or capture your very own SSD. Drop the critters off on the newly-denuded Ithor. Or punt. Neighbors might enjoy a visit from passing bunnies.

Drippily, Kettch

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Dear Kettch,
I just found out my boyfriend isn't addicted to or obsessed with Star Wars ... what do I do?

Panicked

Dear Panicked,
Firstly you must bath him in milk to remove the fishy smell. Wrap him in aluminum foil and use him for blaster practice. With the foil, it will only leave small burn marks. Garnish with whole new potatoes and lashings of butter. If he doesn't come around, out he goes with the parsley.

With Condolences, Kettch

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Dear Kettch,
Do they have Easter on Endor? Do you even have bunnies? Do you have leftover Easter candy? What should I do with it? I can't just throw it to the rancors!

Alka Seltzer, Please!

Dear Alka,
Buy or make puff pastry and roll it out to 1/8 inch thickness, or about 2-3 mm. Add chocies and other candies, unwrapping them first. Wrap and seal securely. Bake at 400 degrees Farenheit, or about 225 Celcius. Remove when browned and puffy. Serve with vanilla ice cream. Wait -- that might be for Hallowe'en candy, I'm not sure. Best to avoid ring pops, too. There is not enough peanut butter on Endor for that.

Nicely Browned, Kettch


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Dear Kettch,
I love to cook, but I always make too much. I put the leftovers away, but then forget about them till they come crawling out of the refrigerator. What should I do?

The Grumpy Gourmet

Dear Grumpy,
Look at the food, then divide by the number of people you need to feed. That's your number of servings per recipe yield equation. If more people come, add more of whatever you have -- usually, that's water or whip in some air. Or fish food.

Deliciously, Kettch



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Dear Kettch,
I have so many different things going on and things I have to get done, I don't know where to start!

Scatterbrained

Dear Scatterbrained,
I've often thought that breeding a rock with carrots would create a creature with no legs but excellent night vision! A Thaakwashii will have average minds and opinions of course, and some of the rocks will be able to walk.

Ambulatorily, Kettch



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Dear Kettch,
I have writer's block! I keep dreaming up these really cool stories, but I just can't write them down! Help! Someone will steal my stories if I don't write them out soon!!

Constipated

Dear Constipated,
In this era of so-called 'intellectual property' litigation, it would be best to avoid ambulance chasers. Drain-o sometimes helps, not to be confused with Jell-o, also a trademarked brand name!

Smartly, Kettch


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Dear Kettch,

My roommate is the untidiest idiot who ever lived. I want to kill him!

Tidy Monster

Dear Tidy Monster,

Try to make sure that your roomie is cut into bite-sized chunks before you feed him to the dust rhinos.

Neatly, Kettch


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Links to Other Sites We Love and Need and Want!

Star Wars: The Best Star Pilots in the Galaxy
Long-time 'Hut ally Paul Urquhart alerted us to the star-wars.suvudo.com blog, which outlines and reviews Star Wars books and other things GFFA. It's a meaty blog, and this one is about books co-authored by this modern-day Ewok (he says so in his byline).

Shakha, GornPod of the Ghetto
"The Ghetto" is anywhere this snarky cherub decides to call home. In this case, it's Madison, WI, and this mighty one has its restaurants under his sites! The reviews will appear on the 'Hut, of course, but you will see them first here ... enjoy that snarks! We surely do.

Anakin 'n' Tahiri's Place
A FanZine for those who love and write and create for Anakin and Tahiri! Editorially headed by Iella, featuring interviews of fanfic writers, drawings, challenges, indexes, and housed on TFN, so if you can't see the 'zine cover for Issue #1, go back or forward a page. And keep following the pages to find Issue #2, etc. We love this 'zine!

Gillian F. Taylor
She's a U.K. woman but writes tales of the American wild, wild west ... and the GFFA, another sort of wild west, eh? Visit this fanfic author!

Store Wars
What do you get when you take Star Wars and mix it with hippies? No, you don't get Jedi — you get Store Wars! It's an EXCELLENT fanfilm style commerical for organic produce. The people who sponsored this great film are serious. Go watch it!

Blogspot / Blogger
If you feel like creating a diary of some sort so that the whole world can witness your internal angst, we can think of no better way to journalize than to create a WebLog, or "blog." We like this one; in fact, we use it for the HutBlog! Best of all — it's easy to use and it's free.

Anakin and Tahiri: More Than the Sum of Their Parts
We're not the only ones upset that Anakin Solo and Tahiri Veila had it all taken away in "Star by Star." Check out galleries, stories, etc. all about one of our favorite pairs, and it's all PG-13 or cleaner, too!

PicoSearch
WookieeHut took some help to create a search engine function really quickly and very simply. Just follow the rules and go! There are free and paid options, enjoy!

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkhaban trailer
A sneak preview of the new Harry Potter movie trailer! Real Player is required, so make sure you have it installed before you try the link. We are hopping up and down over the June 2004 release!! (And are they quoting Shakespeare? Or Bradbury??)

The Japanese Cover Art for NJO Books
There are good covers and bad covers, and the Japanese ones -- created by Tsuyoshi Nagano -- are some of the best! (Note that the books are often split into two, so have two covers, which feature split halves of one painting. Also, depending on how the text is laid out, the cover can be the same as English language covers, or the "back" cover is the front.) If you'd like to see the theforce.net's collection of foreign covers, click here and navigate to the different country's cover gallery. (There are "miscellaneous" and "classic" cover galleries for the Japanese versions of the Star Wars books, too.)

The Clone Wars
The guy who created Samurai Jack is the animator responsible for the 5-minute microepisodes, where Padmé looks like Bugs Bunny dressed up as a girl bunny ... It has games, you get to choose if you are a defender or an overthrower of the Republic, and the episodes can be viewed here 24 hours after they air on the Cartoon Network! We especially love the 5-second trailers. How? Choose whether you are protector or overthrower of the Republic, then in the resulting archives, click on the episode you want to see, choose your player (RealOne or Quicktime), and it'll play. Note that you can choose to play with commentary!

Shadow Chaser's Blog
Those yummy "Torture Tycho" tales submitted by Shadow Chaser may be the product of a sick mind. Or maybe they are the product of a nice normal person? You can maybe glean stuff through the web log of the muse, Haldir ... or maybe you're just nosy? Either way, it's there for the reading! (We like all the personas involved, by the way, so play nice!)

Imperial Women
The Empire is male-dominated, to be sure, but the women are rough, tough, sexy and memorable. Features fanfic, poetry, construction instructions, images, etc. of them all: Ysanne Isard, Mara Jade, Leonia Tavira, even the thought experiment of "Dark Leia." You can't resist!

Harry Potter Movies
We happen to love Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, and yes, even Sirius Snape! The new homepage features the journey of the Weasley's enchanted Anglia motorcar! Hey, the new movie is due out in November, and guess what -- they hit puberty!! Check out the movie trailers: Go on! Check out the trailers! Features music by John Williams, the master, himself!

Alton Brown's Web Site
Alton Brown is a food geek, and we love him -- all of us!. We also love his website; its graphically beautiful and has an attitude similar to the Hut's. We are mooey mooey impressed, especially with the periodic table of essentials ... what a geek!

SuperShadow's Star Wars and Indiana Jones site
We were immediately impressed with the countdown till Episode 3, the Midichlorian count list (Padmé has 4700! And why does Anakin's go down after the pit incident?), scripts, Ep7 synopsis (want to know who Jhon Skywalker is?), etc. Well done site, kept current and fresh!

The Official Star Wars Fanfilms Awards
You saw the TV special with Kevin Smith as host; here are links to all the winners and runners up in every category, from "Christmas Tauntauns" to the scary "The Fandom Menace."

The Unofficial Star Wars Encyclopaedia, by Bob Vitas
An EXTENSIVE effort -- you can find anything and nearly everything on the GFFA here. Admittedly, not always current, but it's one man's effort to keep it all in line and honest. Use it!
NOTE: Version 6 has been redesigned to make it more like TFN's layouts (yuck) and you'll need to roam around a bit to find what you're looking for. Not as easy to use as it used to be, but still a good resource. Good luck!


The Official Star Wars Site
Lots of info, etc. We do this more in deference than anything else.

Aaron Allston's personal website
for those for which pilgrimages are important! He has pics of his vision of what the Wraiths look like, as well as showing himself to be a "cat person." Whichever side of that line you sit, visit and enjoy!

Michael Stackpole's personal website
Some web-only stories, his bio, game design stuff, Battletech stuff, etc. He basically created the Rogues we know and love, so pay the man some respect!

ASCIImation, by Simon Jansen
There's something about Kiwis ... they LIKE doing this sort of stuff. We're grateful, but we think they need to get out more ... The movie is not yet complete, taking as long as it does to do this the old fashioned way. So keep checking for new scenes!


Star Wars Fanfilm Troops, by Kevin Rubio
We know there are lots of fanfilms of note. But this was one of the first, and still the best, in our opinion!


Star Wars Fanfilm: American Jedi, by Adam Schwartz
We loved it before it was captured by ifilm, based on American Pie, of course! We laughed so hard, soda was spewed through orifices not meant for soda. And we like the music. Click on the "Play Now" link on the right.


Star Wars Books Timeline
What was published by DelRay or Random House or any of their entities, and where does it fit in the chronology?

Star Wars Darkhorse Comics Timeline
The comicbook chronology -- when did it all happen, relative to ANH?

WEB: The Wedge Estrogen Brigade (WEB)
Many of us cut our fanfic teeth here at this great pilot-based site. One of the best!
ALERT: The real WEB has been defunct for quite a while now; what's with this link, then? It's an archive, dating back from 2000. Since the WEBmistress cannot be located, it's posted without authorization and thus is passworded. If you need access to these pages, please check out the Hut's policy regarding this archive, and then contact the unauthorized poster of these pages; please be sure you indicate what you want and why, okay? This isn't meant for public access, per se, y'know? And we have no permission from WEB to be doing this ... but this is the best we can do until such time as the real WEB decides to return from wherever Anakin Skywalker and Chewbacca went to, too.

Kelly's Corran Horn Pages
According to Mike Stackpole himself, the definitive site of all things Corran Horn!

Holonet.org
These are the nice people who let us run amuck in their IRC chatroom!

The Wedge Antilles Admiration Society Fan Fiction Archive (WAAS)
This site likes to pretend it's run by "skanky ho's" but in fact, they are nice, clean, tolerant people who also run a fun e-mail list and archive lots of stories about pilots and their conquests!