Kill Han
Iella
Drawings by Diana deRiggs


Just as Onimi masquerades as the rapper Onimem, so Luke also needs to vent sometimes, and when he does he becomes "Pharm-boi Luke" with his rapper dude R2. The trouble is that when Luke raps he can't help letting the dark side get the better of him — one of the little known facts of the GFFA. :)

Is this a case of "Lightsabers don't kill people — Rappers do!"

[puts on Obi voice] Possibly.

Oops — I forgot to say that it is a filk of "My Band" by Eminem and D12. I took quite a few of Eminem's lines off in it — e.g. the "kiss my wookiee" line is based on the "Please won't you please let me s*** your c***" line. I decided that Luke may think that — sorry Eminem! Not that they're bad lines — far from it, they're hilarious — but I figured they didn't quite sound like Luke.




I dunno, dude
I think everybody's all nervous you know
Coz I like have this chick, right dude
And I think everybody's got a major problem with it
But I'm real hacked off with the situation
Because ...

My chick don't fit in with the rest of my clan
They're edgy coz she used to know my old man
And even though she saved my butt on Wayland
They're spooked because she was the Emperor's Hand
His hand, his hand, his hand,
His hand
His hand

But I figure, hey, it's my life right?
And I need a chick who's good in a fight
Not to mention she's one hot lady
So I ain't goin' to ruin my chances, baby
But everybody's like being real chilly
Just coz Palpatine told her to kill me
Though it's not like things proceeded as he planned
And he's kinda been replaced in the chain of command
Yeah that's me being a tad sardonic
Being frustrated just makes me laconic
Finally got something that isn't platonic
And everyone wants me to pull the plug on it
So why does this stuff always happen to me?
I was a good kid, kept good company
Even though I never had a proper family
'Cept an aunt and uncle near Mos Eisley
Who wouldn't let me join the Academy
And my crappy friends called me Wormy
Being Jedi ain't all it's cracked up to be
'Specially now everyone despises me
Because ...

My chick ain't quite the sort the family planned
They think they're better than the average man
Despite a Dark Lord and a scoundrel like Han
Well I don't care, I'm gonna ask for her hand
Her hand, her hand, her hand
Her hand, her hand, her hand
Her hand, her hand,
Her hand

You know something, dude, I reckon Han's jealous
Coz my chick's style sure hotter than Leia's
And I should know seeing's how I kissed her
Creeps me out — I almost made out with my sister!
A misunderstanding I blame on Obi-Wan
That crazy old hermit had had too much sun
With his fool crusades and speech smooth as silk
I shoulda stayed at home drinkin' blue milk
Instead of ending up in a scummy cantina
With dudes that made Palpy look like a ballerina.
[Beep] You said it dude. [Beep] You're blue?
You reckon your [beep, beep] life sucks too?
You say my problems don't even come near
To being stuck with a droid with verbal diarrhea
For year after year after year after year
After ... Cool it dude, I think you've made it clear
And your servos are jammed up with wookiee hair!
Aww dude, that sucks. It just ain't fair.
But I know Han — he likes to be da man
Used to move on the chicks as soon as we'd land
He'd be like: "'Sup ladies, I'm Han Solo."
And they'd all be like: "Ah! It's him, oh no
I don't believe it, look girls, lookie!
Oh please won't you please let us kiss your wookiee."
But now I'm saying Mara is my wife to be
Leia keeps trying to pick a fight with me
But when we fight it's kinda like sibling rivalry
And we're sorta a dysfunctional family
Coz the old man tried to dominate the galaxy
Which don't exactly make it easy for me
Because ...

My chick don't fit in with the rest of my clan
They're kinda spooked because she knew my old man
But here's the deal, dude, if they ruin my plan,
You get Threepio and I will kill Han
Kill Han, kill Han, kill Han
Kill Han, kill Han, kill Han
Kill Han, kill Han, kill Han

Say hello dark side ... light side be damned
Mwahahaha [beep bleep]
What's that dude? My saber
Yeah, I'm the best with a saber
My saber is da bomb, dude
You want to try it?
Sure — cool saber huh?
Hey, dude, where you goin' with my saber?
[beep] You're gonna what!
Hey, dude, I was just kidding about killing Han
And Threepio, I was just ...
Oh darn. He's got my saber
And he's all worked up.
Damn. Life sucks.



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