Just Bruise It
Iella
Drawings by Diana deRiggs


We were playing around the other day making up silly versions of rap songs when Eminem's video of "Just Lose It" began playing on the TV. And the seed for this parody popped into my head, so I had to write it. Apologies to Eminem, who I actually quite enjoy — well, his later stuff anyway. I've pretty much copied his line lengths and rhythms, but I still haven't figured out how he fits all the words in!

*****

Now most of you who read the NJO are familiar with Onimi. But did you know that that sneaky little Yuuzhan Vong masquerades as the rapper Onimem? Well — there you are then. Now you know.

So grab your rapper gear and put your back-to-front cap on, and get the beat going. Yo!




Guess who's back, back again
Onny's back, tell a friend

Now everyone report to the maw luur
To the maw luur, to the maw luur
Now everyone report to the maw luur
Alright stop, ooglith time

Calling all warriors of Domain Lah
Onny's back with a word from Shimrra
Gotta get those Jeedai, get them good
Show them who da boss in this hood
Ah ah ah ah ah, no worries
Nen Tsup's got a brand new bag of tricks
To fix those infidel fire sticks
Iron fist, limp wrist pacifist
Yep, that's a stab at Jacen
Love those metaphors, I'm just spacin'
I go a little bit crazy sometimes
I get a little bit out of control with my rhymes
Yun-Harla says throw a few bugs
Bend down, touch your toes, enjoy those thuds
In the center of the maw luur
Put a dash of blorash up your nose
One little tickle and it explodes
Anyone else for a brand new scar?
And if the maw goes "poot poot," it's ok
You won't smell it, no noses ha!
Eat your heart out Domain Carr.

Now I'm gonna make you dance
It's your chance
Dudes, shake that ass
Whoops I mean Tsup, Nen Tsup, Nen Tsup
Nen Tsup is my world
Alright now lose it (ah ah ah ah ah)
Just bruise it (ah ah ah ah ah)
Go crazy (ah ah ah ah ah)
Oh baby (ah ah) go rabid (ah ah)

In Dark Space cruisin' round a star
I'm on my way to Yuuzhan'tar
With Domain Lah
And Domain Carr
All on board with Lord Shimmra
Da boss man yo, he ain't too happy
Since the chosen planet turned out so crappy
Itching kinda makes him snappy
All I know is when I get there I'm
Gonna scratch my body
So excuse da boss, it's not like he's a jerk
But he's feeling just a little stressed out from work
I let him punch me in the stomach and pull my hair
'Coz there's this wandering planet he can't find anywhere
So what's ya name planet, what's ya sign?
Man you got da boss outta his mind
Dire (ah ah) Gotta keep up the rhyme
Gotta keep toeing the party line

Now I'm gonna make you dance
It's your chance
Shimrra, shake that ass
Whoops I mean Tsup, Nen Tsup, Nen Tsup
Nen Tsup is my world
Alright now lose it (ah ah ah ah ah)
Just bruise it (ah ah ah ah ah)
Go crazy (ah ah ah ah ah)
Oh baby (ah ah) Oh baby (ah ah)

On Yuuzhan'tar and I'm sealed up
In a damutek — it's just my luck
I was runnin' with a naked butt
Round the arena screamin' (ah ah ah ah)
Well I'm sorry, I don't remember
All I know is this much, I've got a rash
Da boss said "Scratch it, and next time you flash
I'll let Nom Anor touch your body"

Now this is the part where the rap breaks down
Trying to itch, but not make a sound
Everyone waits for the words of the clown
(Ain't no way he's gonna touch my body)
Now snap back to reality, Wookiees hate gravity
Yeah, that's low, couldn't help the depravity
So low, so low, Solo, Solo
I don't have any lines to go right here so Solo
So low fellas (what) fellas (what)
Grab your couffe, make your amphistaff jealous (what)
Black armour, blue armour, skinny armour, fat
Tall warriors, small warriors, I'm callin' all warriors
Everyone report to the maw luur
It's your chance for a little bombast or butt bashin'
It's smashin', just go (ah ah ah ah)
It's in fashion

Now I'm gonna make you dance
It's your chance
Nom Anor, shake that ass
Whoops I mean Tsup, Nen Tsup, Nen Tsup
Nen Tsup is my world
Alright now lose it (ah ah ah ah ah)
Just bruise it (ah ah ah ah ah)
Go crazy (ah ah ah ah ah)
Oh baby (ah ah) Oh baby (ah ah)
Go rabid.

~ Onimem ~


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