I know ...
Two stupid words that have driven me nearly to the brink these last seven months, the last words I heard uttered from the man I love. They've needled me since I first heard them.
Two days from now, we land on Tatooine to, hopefully, handle one item in my lifetime to do list. But looking back again, I ask myself, Why are you in this mess?
Would it have been so difficult for him to say, "I love you, too"? I mean, it's only two more words, or if he couldn't say, "love," he could've said something like, "And I, you." Something, anything more than that.
I don't doubt that he loves me. Anyone who would come plowing through a collapsing military base during an Imperial invasion would have to be half crazy, but definitely beyond half-way in love.
I helped fly the ship during our escape. I helped fix his beloved Falcon when her hyperdrive motivator wasn't working.
I let him kiss me in the hallway.
No, scratch that. I didn't let him kiss me. We kissed. Period. And I liked it.
Kissing him back was as close to a declaration as I could get. But in my position, I can't give of myself unless I know I'll be protected. I have duties to many thousands of beings, a war to fight ...
... and now a lover to rescue ...
I looked to him for a declaration. Not necessarily the "I'll give my life to the Rebellion," or "I'll give my life to you," but something to indicate that the kiss we shared was more than a momentary lapse of judgment.
"Then you're as good as gone, aren't you?"
But when push came to shove, he wouldn't tell me he loved me. I was angry, I was hurt. Here I was, falling madly in love with this man, and he couldn't even say, "I like you," let alone, "I love you."
His reasons for leaving were sound. Han Solo had a price on his head so high, he could hardly be considered anonymous. He felt that the bounty was a danger to me, so he had to go. He never told me that my protection was a concern of his, but it was beneath the surface of every word he said.
"Well, the bounty hunter we ran into at Ord Mantell changed my mind."
He wanted me to beg him to stay, but I couldn't without first hearing the declaration from him.
"I love you ..."
There, I'd said it. I thought it was over, that I would lose him forever. I couldn't let him go without telling him. I couldn't leave those words unsaid. I'd gone out on a limb. Instead of a declaration of his own, what did he give me?
"I know ..."
I've answered my own question. Why am I in this mess? Because I need to hear more than those two stupid words.
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