Win/Win Rating: R
Diana deRiggs

Wes Janson and Hobbie Klivian weren't as morose as men in prison might be — but they'd been there many times before. They knew the jailers, and the men and women obliged to record their offenses and the accusations against them. They were bound by the law to hold them securely until the next step — which was frankly out of their hands — was ascertained. Wes and Hobbie would then be moved to another facility, or freed in the care of their commanding officer. The latter tended to happen quite often, for their crimes were usually misunderstood, and their commander is a hero, with a lot of sentimental and political influence. This was fine with the constables and minions who were forced to discipline Janson and Klivian, because the two men were frankly likeable and cute. And some of them had slept with one man or the other, and held few — if any — grudges against them.

But this time, the two men had been accused of something more serious than their usual civil disobedience and endangerment of the local population. They were apparently harassing a woman and in the process of raping her. A man, a friend of the woman, caught them in the act, and attempted to scare them off. The men swear it was an accident, but the heroic gentleman was easily 10 kilograms lighter than either man (and both men are small, albeit fit and sturdy), and apparently one of the two struck the man so hard that he bit his tongue and bled copiously. The two men called the ambulance, but the woman would not let them go before officials were on the scene, and thus they were caught.

Complicating the story is that the woman refused to corroborate the claim of rape. That accusation was not only tendered by witnesses and the bleeding man with stitches in his tongue, but by the two men themselves!

"Yup, rape," said Janson. "I was forcing her. I swear."

"Me too! Me too!" Klivian jumped in, not willing to let his comrade in on the fun. It was if they had been caught in some silly horseplay. Perhaps this is what this crime amounted to, for these men?

"No!" The young lady shrieked, "they certainly did NOT rape me! They got nowhere near my vagina, nor any hole!"

"But we intended to!" Kilivian was very excitable. "We tried, honest!"

"Yeah," agreed Janson, nodding vigorously, "I did, too!"

Klivian continued to try and explain, "We agreed in advance, I was going to have that hole," pointing to a portion of the woman, "and he was going to have the other ..."

"But, this asshole decides he wants MY hole," said Janson, rather calmly. "What sort of jerk changes the rules of engagement at the final moments?"

"... and the remaining hole, we were going to have a contest to see which of us could finish first, and the loser has to do the third hole, too!" Klivian concluded his explanation breathlessly.

"And in the case of a tie, we would do rock-paper-scissors-lizard-spock!" Janson smiled merrily. "I don't know what that is, but I know I would have won, so that's not really important."

Hysterically continuing her insistence that this was nothing like a real rape — that both men were so cute, and cursing the man who tried to save her — the woman was sedated and taken to the medcenter where the man who was trying to save her was sequestered, too. The officials would speak to her after she'd gotten some rest.

* * * * *

"Wedge, we weren't really going to rape her, we just said we would because we were paid to," Janson was trying hard to be serious, but it was difficult for him. Especially when telling the truth.

Wedge Antilles, the man who bailed them out of prison many times before, was more than annoyed at them. "Really? Rape ... you two miscreants are really carrying things too far. Rape for hire?"

"No, Wedge," Hobbie was smiling merrily, "Stage a rescue for hire. We were just play-acting, then the guy who hired us, he got in the way. That man cannot take a punch —"

"Nor," glowered Wes, "did he get out of the way, like we'd practiced!"

"Wh ... what are you two idiots trying to confuse me for?" It was Wedge's turn to yell, "You two ... you idiots were trying to make that little guy look good to that girl!"

"Yes!" Hobbie looked relieved, "I'm so glad we got that straightened out."

"That took less time that usual, Wedge," Wes looked visibly relieved. "Can we go home, now?"

"Wait," Wedge was rubbing his temples, trying to think clearly, "why did you idiots take money to molest some guy's girlfriend —"

"Because," Wes crossed his legs, sitting on the bench in the prison cell, "she wasn't his girlfriend. She apparently didn't know he was even alive, and the guy needed a way to call attention to himself."

"We were helping, Wedge," nodded Hobbie, "the guy was so sad, in addition to being pathetic looking."

"You saw him," pointed out Wes, "Wedge, he was a little slip of a guy. No woman would want him, not even as a faghag—"

"Eeuw, he'd have no appeal to lesbians," agreed Hobbie.

"So we were helping, and supplementing our gratuity from the military, don't you see?" Wes leaned back and crossed his legs in the other direction. "Win-win!"

"You got caught, idiots." Wedge had trouble saying very much, so incredulous was he at the gall of two of his top elite officers. "You got caught, and rape is serious!"

"But, it wasn't rape!" The two men said this in unison. Wes looked exasperated, "We explained, it was a sham, designed to make that little guy look good!"

Hobbie looked mournfully disappointed, "Gee, we thought you understood, Wedge. For a hero of the New Republic, you're kind of stupid, sometimes ... no offense."

"But now that guy is in the medcenter getting his tongue stitched back on!" Wedge didn't like being called stupid, even if he always felt stupid around these fellows. "And the girl has been sedated for hysteria —"

Wes yawned, "Sometimes that happens ... when we refuse to fuck the girl." He yawned again.

Hobbie shrugged, over-dramatically, "Yeah, that wasn't part of the deal. She wasn't supposed to be a slut."

Wedge groaned, "Oh no, not again ..."

Hobbie shrugged again, "Yeah, it happens," repeating his friend's assertion. "They want it, and we promised not to fuck her. The little guy was supposed to fuck her after we ran away in terror."

"But, now that we think of it, that was an unlikely scenario, given the limp-dicker we took the money from." Wes looked thoughtful, then pulled some credits out of his pocket, "Here, Wedge ... you can give his money back to him. We failed."

Hobbie hung his head, "Yeah, bad us. We suck at this job. Good thing we didn't give up our day jobs, right?"

* * * * *

Wes and Hobbie were confined to barracks, even though Wedge had refused to sign the forms that would release the two officers into his care. Normally, they'd have to do some community services to make up for causing trouble, but Wedge was trying to deal with the fact that some rioting had occurred resulting from their escapades.

The woman had recovered her senses and testified that they were being attentive to her, and she rather appreciated it. She also insisted that she was never in danger of rape, and the other man had misunderstood the situation. When told that he had paid the men to bother her so that he could rescue her, she instead threatened to press charges against him for harassment. The charges were dropped with some finessing and negotiations by Janson and Klivian — they would spend an evening with the young lady in exchange for the other man's freedom.

When they got back to barracks, the military police arrested them for running an unauthorized business and other more serious charges — they had uncovered several cases of the two harassing women on behalf of lonely men. That in itself was not really a big crime; the big deal was theft of fireworks and other explosive material.

Upon receiving the recorded confessions and testimonials, the MPs realized that the quantities of missing stashes of stores and the timing of their discoveries could be corroborated with the "business activities" of the two men: an explosion on a lower level which did some structural damage to an overpass; the loosening of auto-remote 'droids onto streetways causing speeder and transport accidents; damages to canal boats in a family park ... The list was longer than Wedge could cover, and so the two men were arrested.

At least, mused Wedge, the military police will understand better than the civil authorities. He was more disturbed that his officers could be so careless and stupid.

To his astonishment, there was no hearing, at least none that he was called to witness or testify, and none of his senior officers had been summoned, either. He was even more astonished to hear the men were simply confined to barracks until further notice.

When Wedge went to visit the ersatz prisoners, he was astonished to see naked women in their quarters. "Wha ...???"

Wes was the first to spot his commanding officer. "Hi, Wedge! Nice of you to come and offer solace in our punishment!"

"Me, too!" There was a muffled cry that sounded like Hobbie Klivian, but it was coming from under a woman who had him tied up and was sitting on his face. "Oh, such punishment!"

"What are you doing?" Wedge regretted that his voice came out in a shriek.

"Paying off our debt to society, Wedge," Wes didn't even have the courtesy of stopping what he was doing. "Someone narc'd us out."

"Yeah!" Hobbie didn't like being left out in these explanations, "One of the victims of our 'damsels in distress' service told on us, that we were great fucks or something. Stop sitting on me!" He was addressing the woman on his head.

"See, Wedge," Wes was turning the woman he was with over, "sometimes we had to go through with the 'rape' because the guys simply weren't convincing, or their timing was wrong ... or, for all I know, some of these guys are into sloppy seconds." He shrugged, "To each his own, you know?"

"What??" Wedge's incredulity was higher than ever.

"You're boring, Wedge," complained Hobbie, who was being spanked by the woman who'd been sitting on his head, possibly for being bad. "That's all you say ... 'what? what?' You're kind of dumb sometimes, Wedge. Ow, that hurts!" He turned his attention to complain to the woman behind him, who'd been ministering the spanking.

"So ... some of the MPs ... they wanted a piece of us, I guess." Again, Wes shrugged. "It's our 'local community service,' and they'd nix our theft of stuff from supply, and the military would repair some accidental things that happened in the course of business —"

"— like making the canal leak, and stuff. I felt bad about that," explained Hobbie, "so, I'm glad to do my part in repairing that." He might have said more, but the woman who'd been spanking him pushed him back and sat on his face again.

"Win-win, Wedge! Stop worrying," Wes was panting a little, trying to get the woman to orgasm despite the fact that he obviously did not have his full attention on her. "By the way, if you're here to help, that would be really sweet of you, as busy as we are, and all — the women have numbers ... I think the next one is ... um ... uhh ... due to come in soon, and we're running ... mmm ... a little ... behind ... fifteen minutes apiece ... huffpuff ... isn't ... working out ..."

Diverting his attention from Wes's obviously fake orgasm (done for the benefit of his 'client'), he spotted a sequential counter display on the wall. The two men were apparently assigned to satisfy several hundred 'customers' and were on numbers 35 and 36 at present.

Hearing Hobbie's voice muffled was dismaying to Wedge, but he listened as best he could. Hobbie explained, "We got Gavin to come and help us, but he chickened out. He did promise to help, so he's keeping order with the ticket numbers and timing ..."

But before Hobbie could finish, Wedge heard a tinkly sounding bell and the sound of a door's hydraulics open, and then a large woman grabbed him from behind and stuck her tongue down Wedge's throat. She was a big woman and Wedge struggled as much as he could, and was dismayed to see a ticket with "37" clenched in her fist.

Just before his view darkened, Wedge recalled wondering, Where was MY rescuer when I need one???

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