GFFA IDOL
Iella

Iella:
G'day folks and music fans, and welcome to this little interlude. Yes — we have a real treat for you this afternoon, something that puts even World Idol to shame. It's GFFA Idol!

[cheers, hoots, cries of "Bring Back Chewie" and "Nom Anor sucks"]

Iella:
Not only do we have a field of marvellous, talented, sexy stars from the GFFA — but we've also managed to entice two very special, discerning judges to help us out: Simon Cowell who you may remember fondly — [boos, hisses] — from American Idol and ... wait for it ... drum roll please. Yoda! Recently back on a short sabbatical from his usual show — The Other Side of the Force.

[cheers, squeals and cries of "Yo Yoda"]

Iella:
Now without further ado, let us — or should I say the stars of the GFFA — entertain you.

Simon:
So who's first?

Iella:
First up this afternoon is none other than Jacen Solo — Yuuzhan Vong killer extraordinaire.

[Enter Jacen wearing lavender T-shirt and shorts and carrying a pair of large pom poms.]

Simon:
Oh my giddy aunt!

Yoda:
Colourful is he.

Jacen:
[takes up singing pose]
Hey Danni you're so fine,
You're so fine you blow my mind.
Hey Danni, hey Danni.

Simon:
Oh my giddy aunt!!!!!!

Yoda:
Deluded is he.

Jacen:
Hey Danni —

Simon:
No, stop! Listen mate, you can't sing, you can't dance and your fashion sense defies description.

Jacen:
But, but ... I CAN sing. My brother and I used to play boy bands in the bathtub.

Yoda:
[Cringing.]
Too much information that is.

Iella:
To be fair gentlemen — I think he does have potential. Ignore the lavender outfit and tell me he doesn't have something.

Simon:
[looking like he's just seen Jabba's butt]
Urh — yeah but words fail me as to exactly what. He mentioned a brother — what about him? Why doesn't he audition?

Jacen:
Er ... because he's dead.

Simon:
[shrugging]
Didn't stop Buddy Holly — or Kurt Cobain.

Yoda:
[nostalgically]
A reasonable duet Exaar Kun and Freedon Nadd can perform — after a few glasses of Naboo mead.

Simon:
Well, I'm sorry about your brother — but it doesn't change the fact that you can't sing. So goodbye.

Jacen:
[minces off dejected]
Maybe I should have gone with the heliotrope jumpsuit instead.

Simon:
Not an auspicious start. Let's hope the next one shows a bit more promise.

Yoda:
Calm, my friend. Sarcasm, ridicule — a judge knows not these things.

Iella:
Well said, Yoda. Now — let's put that little disappointment behind us and meet none other than ... The Stormtrooper People.

Simon:
A group! Do we do groups?

Iella:
We tried to reduce them down to one, but they kept cloning themselves.

Stormtroopers:
[arrayed in various Ewok, Agamarian nerf-herder and CorSec masks]
In the navy, yes you can cruise the galaxy.
In the navy, yes you can give your bro' a squeeze —

Simon:
Codswallop!

Iella:
Simon! Watch the language please.

Simon:
Well what else can you call it.
[Waves dismissively at the line of E-11s aimed in his direction.]
Not to mention they're also sore losers.

Iella:
Oh! Oh dear! Simon, Yoda, I do believe they're serious.

Jacen:
[re-enters wearing ultra-tight jeans and shirt open to the navel revealing a gold chain]
Wake me up before you go-go,
Coz I'm not planning on going solo —

Stormtroopers:
Aaaaaaahhhhhh! The horror, the horror!!

[All rush off falling and clambering over each other in haste.]

Simon:
Good work, my friend. Kudos.

Jacen:
Yeah, I thought you'd like it. Going solo — get it? Solo.

Simon:
But you still can't sing.

Jacen:
Gah! Blaster bolts!
[Stalks off shaking fists.]

Iella:
And on that note, folks, we're going to take a short advertising break. Stay tuned though for more seam-popping excitement as we search for our ... dunh, dunh, dunh ... GFFA IDOL.

*****************

Is your skin beginning to show those telltale signs of aging?

Do you suffer from those little fine lines around the eyes?

Well — worry no more, folks, because we have the answer for you. Nen Yim's Secret will put an end to these worrisome problems.

Nen Yim went through the same angst when her skin started to show wear and tear — after a close encounter with a pack of confused voxyn. But rather than fall to the floor screaming in agony, Nen Yim bravely hid herself away from public scrutiny and began reconstructing herself from scratch — well hundreds of scratches actually, not to mention a melted nose and fused lips ... and ... oh dear, excuse me a minute.


[Sounds of someone retching.]

Well anyway — sorry about that, but I have a weak stomach — unfazed, she boiled and stirred until she came up with her Ooglith Masque. Just let it ooze on every morning, gripping into your pores with its thousands of tendrils and ... oh dear, I ...

[More sounds of retching.]

And then at the end of the day, simply poke the pressure points and watch as it slurps and jellies back to its ...

This is disgusting. And what's wrong with a few wrinkles anyway? I — Aaaaah!


[Sounds of thud bugs and whipping amphistaves.]

Nom Anor: Cut, cut! No, no, I didn't mean it literally you fools! Blithering basals — where do they find these morons?

[stomps off muttering]

*************


Iella:



Welcome back. Hope you're all ready for more knee-gripping, spine-tingling tension and angst. And this time first up we have — fresh from the Unknown Regions — Tahiri Veila. Yay! Go Tahiri!

[Cheers, wolf whistles from crowd.]

Simon:
[leering]
Not bad, not bad at all. Wouldn't mind knowing a bit more about her Unknown Regions.

Iella:
[smacks Simon over the head]
This is a family show, scumbag!

Tahiri:
You say eether and I say iither,
You say neether and I say niither
Eether, iither, neether, niither,
Let's call the whole thing off.

Yoda:
Ah, a breath of fresh air she is.

Tahiri:
[facing left and getting angry] You say Jeedai and I say Jedi.

[Swaps to face right] That's because it IS Jeedai.

[Faces left] No it's not, it's Jedi. So there, dummy.

[Faces right] I'm not the dumb one. I wasn't the one who fell in love with Mr I'm-going-to-sacrifice-myself-for-everybody-when-what-I-really-should-be-doing-is-telling-Del-Rey-to-shove-it-and-eloping-to-somewhere-romantic.

[Faces left] You had to bring that up, didn't you? You always bring that up. [Slaps her cheek]

[Faces right] Why you little — [Slaps other cheek]

[Faces left] I'll show you — [Grabs herself by the throat and lunges off the stage.]

Yoda:
Turned into a hurricane she has.

Simon:
I'm beginning to think I'm in Looney Tunes. Who's next? Daffy Duck?

Iella:
No — it's the man in black himself.

Simon:
[confused]
Johnny Cash?

Vader:
[wearing black hoodie cloak with "Sith in da hood" on the back, and black homie pants]
Guess who's back, back again,
Ani's back, tell a friend.

Simon:
Strike me pink.

Vader:
Now this looks like a job for me
So everybody just follow me
Coz we need a little controversy,
Coz the galaxy's empty without me.

Simon:
Frankly, Darth, I find your lack of musical ability disturbing.

Yoda:
Take care you must, youngling. No sense of humour has he either.

Simon:
And this whole Ozzy Osbourne look — it's passé, mate. Done to death. We've got Princes of Darkness coming out our ears, I ... aaaahhhhh.
[grabs at collar in effort to breathe]

Jacen:
[reappears wearing long plaited hair extensions, a black hat and rainbow top]
Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon,
You come and go, you come and go-oooo.
Oh — hi gramps. You in this, too?

Vader:
Gramps? Me? You ... you're my grandson!!!!
[Clasps hands to side of mask]
Aaaaah! What did I do to deserve this?

Yoda:
A list he wants, does he!

[Vader reels off stage groaning.]

Simon:
[to Jacen]
Looks like I owe you another one, mate. But you still can't sing.

Jacen:
Darn!

Iella:
Ah, the perspiration, the dedication ... the drama of it all! But, time for another advertising break. Take care and see y'all soon for more scintillating, serenading wannabes in ... GFFA Idol.

*******

Ladies — are you worried that you don't fit into the GFFA? Do you feel that somehow, no matter how hard you try — people just don't seem to take you seriously, maybe don't even seem to notice you?

Ha ha! Loser!

Just kidding.

But seriously — if you do suffer from these debilitating, unnecessarily paranoid fears, then FEAR NO MORE. We have the answer. The Complete Mara Jade Look-alike Programme.

Soon with your stylish but slightly windblown red-gold wig, emerald tinted lenses and lethal hand-to-hand combat training regime, you WILL be noticed. You WILL fit in, and maybe even find yourself winning the heart of a Jedi Master or working for a megalomaniac Emperor with major complexion issues.

So what more could you want? Act now and for one easy payment of your soul to the Revive the Sith organisation — number listed below — you can become a ... GFFA woman.


[Music strikes up in the background — fading as ad fades on screen.
"GFFA woman, they don't come free.
GFFA woman — better watch her knee ...
owwwwooooo. Boy that stung!]

*******


Iella:



Well — here we are again, and I'll bet y'all can barely wait to see who's next.

Simon:
Yeah — I can hardly contain myself.

Iella:
[cuffs Simon's ears]
Any more of that sarcasm and you're dead meat, slimeball.

Yoda:
Upset not the lady, youngling. A mean left hook she packs.

Simon:
Okay, okay. So what's the next ... er ... treat in store?

Iella:
He may be down, but he's not out — it's ... Lord Shimmra.

Shimrra:
[wearing a blonde wig and carrying a bio-guitar with Onimi-gut strings]
I come home in the morning light,
Quoreal said when you gonna live your life right?
Ha, Supreme One, you've had your day in the sun
Yuuzhan Vong just want to have fun
Oh Vong just want to have fun.

Simon:
Guaranteed to make Cyndi Lauper turn in her grave.

Iella:
I didn't know she was dead!

Simon:
She will be when she hears that. Believe me, Mr Shimrra, you are in no danger of becoming GFFA Idol.

Shimrra:
[booming]
I AM the GFFA Idol. You will have no other Idols but me.

[Security guards appear and try to drag him off.]

Simon:
[turning to Yoda]
Is it my imagination or is everybody here wacko?

[Michael Jackson moonwalks through the middle of the wrestling match going on between Shimrra and the guards.]

Michael Jackson:
Ben, the two of us need look no more
We both found what we were looking for
With a friend to call my own
I'll never be alone
And you, my friend will see
You've got a ... Ooops! Oh my nose!
[Scrabbles around on floor.]

Yoda:
Answer your question, does it?

[Obi-Wan appears, picks up the nose and returns it to MJ.]

Michael Jackson:
So, gentle Ben, do you think you could put in a word for me to those sweet, kind people in the Agricorps entertainment group?

Obi-Wan:
Possibly.

[They walk off arm in arm.]

Yoda:
[frowning]
Obi-Wan I know, but who was that mascara-ed man?

[Suddenly the lights dim and strange ethereal music filters through from off-stage slowly giving way to an electric guitar. A lone figure emerges, clothed in tight black leather pants and a black singlet top ... a wisp of dark hair flops on to his forehead as he strolls forward.]

Mystery Singer:
Don't wanna be an NJO idiot,
Don't want a galaxy ruled by the media,

[The crowd goes wild and begins a chant.]

Crowd:
Anakin!
Anakin!
Anakin!

[Tahiri somersaults on to the stage.]

Tahiri:
Hey nah ni na, my boyfriend's back!

[Anakin fights his way out from underneath a pile of G-strings and silk bikini briefs. He pulls a voluminous pair of bloomers from round his neck and grimaces as he reads the name J. Hutt on the nametag.]

Anakin:
And sold out to commercial hysteria
Give me fanfic — it's far more cheerier.

[The crowd goes wild again; women clutch each other; men clutch each other. Anakin disappears again under another tide of underwear. He emerges holding a pair of brown, rustic, and highly practical Y-fronts, and looks quizzically at the owner.]

Yoda:
[sheepishly]
Lost in the moment I was.

Jacen:
[prances back singing, still in his Boy George gear, with The Stormtrooper People]
Readers, get your chins off the floor

Yoda:
[grabs microphone]
Dead is your young hero no more

Simon:
[rolling eyes]
Yawning — coz this is making me snore

Iella:
[glaring at Simon]
Someone, hand me a blaster!

Everyone:
It's fun to be in the GFFA,
It's fun to be in the GFFA.
It has action and fun for you all to enjoy.
You can even buy all the toys.

It's fun to be in the GFFA,
Read or write or just go there and play ...

Iella:
Thanks for coming along — that's the end of our show ...

Jacen:
So — who won?

Everyone:
Anakin!

Jacen:
Nooooooooooo!



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