Burning Kilojoules Rating: PG-13
Diana deRiggs, Alasa, MaceVindaloo

"Calm down!" It was a strange thing to hear Wes Jansen telling anyone to stop being so agitated. "Hobbie, hold that part of him, will you?"

Hobbie Klivian was actually trying very hard to hold down the thrashing human and finally decided to sit on him. The man being secured was not particularly large, and being that Hobbie was largely composed of cybernetic prosthetics, he was heavy enough to do the job. "He's tickling me!" complained Wes's best friend.

Wes kneeled on the man's hands and carefully lowered his backside onto his chest. "Calm down or I'll sit hard and crack your ribs and maybe puncture your lungs! And then I'll have to explain to your wife and kids that you died because you were being a pain in my butt ... so stop it!"

At the mention of his kids, Corran Horn stopped trying to punch and wriggle is way from other his former squadmates. "You guys get off me! This is nothing you'd ever understand!"

Hobbie yawned, "You always say that, as if you're so special that only you could have had these feelings, whatever they are."

Wes sighed, "And you're always wrong. We always understand, and your concerns are always stupid!"

Corran howled as Hobbie grabbed his testicles through his Jedi tunic. "It's bad enough that your jewels are gonna get crushed, but I bet that hippie homespun worsted will leave some awful ropeburns!"

Panting, Corran finally stopped resisting his fellow former pilots and settled for breathing hard and looking sullen.

"That's better," noted Wes, very cheerfully. "Now, suppose you tell me why you were trying to beat up on young Nevphon?"

"Yeah," agreed Hobbie, "that's not like you to go after men ... and such a young man, too!"

"Yeah," continued Wes, "he's more your son's age, isn't he? Though I don't thinks he's quite Valin's type ..."

Corran was trying to breath less desperately, but the combined weight of the two humans — smaller than average though they may be — was making him feel like Darth Vader without his iron lung. "If I promise to tell you what's bothering me, will you guys get off me and leave me alone?"

"Nuh-uh," Hobbie replied immediately. "You will tell us because we are remarkably curious. No deal."

"I can't tell you if I don't get enough air!" Corran tried to sound more gasping than he might actually be, but the truth was that the lack of oxygen was starting to affect him.

Wes got up first, "Oh, all right. I never took any joy in riding the likes of you anyway, Horn. Hobbie, stop holding him like that and get off him! People will talk!"

Hobbie looked genuinely disappointed at having to stop his version of acupuncture — poking at different parts of the prone man's genitalia to see what other parts of his body would move in response. The pilot was known for spending hours at this, often citing it as "foreplay."

Corran was at last able to sit up and take a big, strong breath. The pink miasma that was threatening to overtake his vision was clearing, and when he opened his eyes, he saw Wes and Hobbie sitting in front of him with their legs crossed and eager looks on their faces. "Is it story time now?" Wes had a really keen look to him.

Knowing defeat when it giggled at him, Corran tried to explain:

* * * * *

My baby, Jysella ... okay, I know she's not a baby exactly. She's 13, and I say you gentlemen don't understand because you don't see her as I do. You don't have daughters — at least that you know about — and the desire to protect her is the one thing that keeps me awake many nights. More than the Vong, more than Isard, all my worries and fears are about Jysella.

I know she's been hanging around kids I don't know about — I don't know their parents or even where they come from. I'm no speciesist, but the fact that she's really getting touchy-feely with some aliens ... okay, let me tell you ...

Remember that Selonian about whom Iella told you I'd dated when I was at CorSec? She and I had to break up because our body chemistries were incompatible ... she was allergic to my perspiration and I got a rash because of her fur ... stop laughing!

Okay, we had sex ... we got along really well, but more importantly, we knew we could imbibe without fear of other consequences because we were different species. Yeah, close-alike species can produce an infertile child, but there have been no cases of a Selonian-human, and we fell to it ... well, like kids in heat ...

I SAID stop laughing!

So Nevphon is a Selonian ... yeah yeah, no prizes for where my brain went. But I stayed cool, didn't want Jysella or my wife thinking I had gone around some perverted bend. And Jysella doesn't know about my past, and I didn't think this was the way for her to find out.

She left her datapad on the table and I had gone to switch it off. She had been checking her communiqués and had it left on at a message titled, "Sex Causes Cancer" and there was a note next to it that read, "We could have died!"

*I* nearly died when I read that!

Now, I want you to understand, I am not proud of my actions. But I am a parent of a young teen girl. I trust HER, I really do. But I have dubious confidence in some of her friends!

I also want you to understand that I was looking at this stuff as an investigator. I did a quick search of her communiqués and I noticed that though there were the usual "teen posing" things going on, one sender had sent most of the notes to her concerning sex!

Most of the notes were kind of innocent, kind of flirty. Even the "sex causes cancer" note was about some celebrity quotes. But one note really got to me: Jysella had written to Nevphon that she was worried about her weight. She wanted to fit in her junior-prom dress, and he suggested sex as "an excellent way to burn kilojoules in all the right places." As further proof, he included a datatable which read:

"It has been known for many years that Sex was healthy, but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric content of different sexual activities. Now, after "original and proprietary" research, they are proud to present the results! Note: results may vary!"
With her consent12 Calories
Without her consent2187 Calories
With both hands8 Calories
With one hand12 Calories
With your teeth485 Calories
With an erection6 Calories
Without an erection3315 Calories
Missionary12 Calories
69 Lying Down78 Calories
69 Standing Up812 Calories
Wheelbarrow216 Calories
Doggy Style326 Calories
Thyferran Chandelier2912 Calories
Real112 Calories
Fake1315 Calories
Lying in bed hugging18 Calories
Getting up immediately36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately816 Calories
under 20 years-16 Calories
20-29 years36 Calories
30-39 years80 Calories
40-49 years124 Calories
50-59 years1972 Calories
60-69 years7916 Calories
70 and overResults are still pending
Calmly32 Calories
In a hurry98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door5218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door13,521 Calories

* * * * *

"That's so cool!" Wes was really enthused, "I get to eat MORE to get a second erection!"

Hobbie yawned, just to irritate him, "To get the maximum cardio-vascular workout, you need to be married, idiot."

Wes looked thoughtful. "I guess that means I will have to eat moderately after all." He was visibly saddened by this information.

"Hey! Do you remember when we used to play the 'Rebellion on Tatooine' game with the veggies at the canteen? I just thought of something: I think Obi-wan Cannoli was fucking Tusken Radishes while he was in the wilds ... and gave birth to ... Tusken Raddiccio!" Hobbie was clearly bored with Corran's tale of woe and was trying hard to change the subject.

Corran feared he'd go apoplectic. "Excuse me?!? What's with you dumbtard boys who can't pay attention for more than a minute?? Why do you have to hammer at my mind like this?? Why do you do this? Why play with stuff till it breaks???" He was very worked up, even beyond questioning Wes's and Hobbie's collective sanity.

The two men looked at him, astonished that he was still there. "We learned it from masturbation," replied Wes. Hobbie nodded in agreement, "Everything we need to know, comes from jerking off!"

Corran tried to get up in disgust, but was tripped by one of the miscreants and fell inelegantly back down onto the floor.

"C'mon, ya big lug," Hobbie had Corran in a headlock now and was vigorously scrubbing his knuckles across the top of the shorter man's head. "You know the answer to this! Tell us you aren't as dumb as you look. Go on, tell us!"

Corran would have howled, but his mouth was smothered by Hobbies forearm pressed firmly against the bottom half of his face. Wes's face loomed before him, and he was forced to stop struggling to hear the suddenly soft-spoken man.

"Corran, you can't help that Jysella is growing up. You can't project your past onto her present; that's not fair. You have to have faith that you and Mirax did a good job raising your daughter — better even than your holiest-of-holiers father did of raising you. Your reaction is way off-scale. I hope that sexy Selonian wench's father came after your ass!"

Hobbie suddenly released the Jedi, who wished his family line had at least an iota of telekinetic ability. As it was, he was subject to the forces of gravity and of his friends ...

"Okay, okay ... point taken. I won't go after Nevphon—"

"Instead," continued Hobbie, inspecting his arm, "you should go after her mother. Nail the bitch to the wall for raising such a dumb kid!" He grinned broadly. "Hey, bet Nevphon is the child of the Selonian you'd fu—"

The shocked look on Corran's face signaled that this was really the end of the conversation. But never one to leave well enough alone, Hobbie had an inquiry, "Hey, you have the Selonian's comcode?" Just in time, he and Wes ducked to avoid the flying fists of a mad Jedi father!

As Corran chased the men down the long corridor, they hooted and hollered that this was a swell way to burn kilojoules, too!

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