Essay: Every Sperm is Sacred, or Why You Need to Love Monty Python

Good morning/afternoon, everybody! I hope you are feeling well and that I don't offend anyone in my speech because I probably will. So I'll apologise ahead of time -- sorry. You don't frighten us, English pig-dog. Go and boil your bottom, son of a silly person. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries. Pardon. Now before you think I am drunk or stoned, that was actually a line from Monty Python, whom I will be doing my speech on today.

For those of you with any cultural knowledge of the 20th century, you would've heard of Monty Python before. In fact, you might have even seen an episode of Monty Python's Flying Circus ... or one of the movies Monty Python made. If you haven't ... WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN THE PAST 4 DECADES?!?!?! You can't honestly tell me that you've never heard The Lumberjack Song -- "I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day" -- or "I like Chinese ... they only come up to your knees".

Monty Python was perhaps the best thing to ever happen on BBC. Although that depends how well you take jokes about bodily excrements and certain parts of the anatomy. Monty Python was not a person, though. No. He was actually 6 people. 6 people with very little brain but very large ........... senses of humour. John Cleese, Terry Jones, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Michael Palin, and the late Graham Chapman.

According to Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones had an insatiable appetite for food, wine and sex. According to Terry Jones, Terry Gilliam was a pathological liar. According to John Cleese, Eric Idle liked goats' cheese and cross-dressers. According to Eric Idle, Michael Palin and John Cleese were both sleeping with Graham Chapman, and according to Graham Chapman ..... well he's dead, so not very much.

So as you can see, the six of them got on together like a fat hamster and a starving African. Well, if you change the hamster to a pea and the African to a pod. But other than all the strange goings-on that were going-on in the BBC studios in down-town London, England, the six also created skits and songs and jokes and puns that shocked and amused a generation, and generations to come.

Monty Python reminded us that animals have feelings too, you know, even when they're stone-cold-dead-look-how-dead-I-am-I'm-so-dead; the French sure know how to rip the knickers off King Arthur; every sperm is sacred, every sperm is good, every sperm is needed in your neighbourhood; there really are knights that say "NI!"; and, of course, to always look on the bright side of life. Where would we be today without Monty Python?

Well, heh, probably in a world where bum was a dirty word and NO ONE questioned the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, if the truth be known, we'd probably be in a world where everyone got along like best friends and there was no sadness or farting or disease or starvation or ... or exaggerating. But, I can definitely say, we would be in a world where nobody, not one single person in the whole world, not even America, would have a sense of humour.

So for those of you who are cool and have heard of Monty Python, make old John and Terry and Terry and Eric and Michael and Graham, even though he's quite dead, proud! I have no idea how you can achieve that, but I'm sure there must be some obscure way. And for you ignorant fools who couldn't tell the difference between a parrot and John Cleese's sister-in-law, go and rent The Search For The Holy Grail from Blockbuster. Now. Or Graham will haunt you at night. Because he's dead. Thank you.

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