Piggy's Macho Birthday Dinner
by Susu & Wraith6
Voort saBinring, nicknamed "Piggy," is a Gamorrean unlike any other. He's not violent, he is a mathematical and analytical genius, and he's considerate and sensitive. Other Gamorreans, male and female, considered him substandard, a sissy ... and they wouldn't have anything to do with him. This didn't bother Piggy, since he found his fellows rather boorish, in more ways than one. But the accusation of being a sissy often stuck at him and sometimes made him sad.
When that happened, he'd create something with machismo and panache ... something macho and big! And he'd invite his friends from Wraith Squadron, who appreciated him almost more than any other group ever had. This little depression always seem to coincide around the day Piggy considered his birthday. He didn't actually know what day he was born, but he knew from medical records what day he was treated with chemicals and hormones to elevate him out of his natural Gamorrean tendencies ... Maybe it was coincidence, but that day always filled him with dread as it approached.
This is the big, bold, manly menu he always served. His friends loved it, almost as much as they loved him! And that always made him feel good enough to survive another year as an unique and sensitive Gamorrean.
Big Grilled Steaks
The cut of beef is important here. You will be exposing the meat to high fire for both effect and for flavor, so it should be something tender and flavorful with plenty of fat. The ideal cut is often called "delmonico" or "ribeye" -- it often has a rib bone down one side, a nice "eye" of steak, and a good bit of sweet fat surrounding the eye. Make sure it's between 1" to 1¼" thick (about 2 cm), so you can have enough pink in the middle to please everyone, whether they like it "black and blue" ultra rare, or medium. Don't allow anyone to eat it cooked more than medium. (Call them a sissy and make them bring their own food!)
Place the steak on the pan and let it sear -- there will be a lot of smoke and smell and splatter and noise. Growl in a manly fashion. Leave it alone for 2 to 3 minutes, then lift up the steak, and rotate it 90° on place it on a new part of the griddle, if possible. You are making cross-hatched grillmarks, very manly and sexy. After about 2 minutes, flip the steak over and repeat on the other side.
At this point, only the outside of the big steak will be cooked. Stick it in the oven till it's cooked to your liking. Only a sissy would use a thermometer here, poke the steak instead. What should it feel like? Bring the tips of your thumb and forefinger of the same hand together, like an "okay" sign. Poke the skin on the back of your hand between the finger and thumb. That's rare. Ring finger and thumb together, that bit of flesh feels like medium. Pinky tip to thumb, well done. Seriously, don't go to the pinky.
Remove the steaks from the oven and let them rest about 5 minutes before serving. Season with salt and pepper (the coarser the grind, the more macho!). Serve one per person with big, chunky serrated steak knives!
While the steaks are roasting in the oven, Piggy takes advantage of the still-hot griddle to cook up the vegetables. Actually, it appeals to him to use the already-hot pan, it's like getting two dishes for almost one effort. Note that these are not delicate, leafy things. These are big, bold veggies, complete with grill marks! You can opt for the criss-cross hatch marks, or just the stripes, but either way, it's very manly. Piggy DARES anyone who calls himself a man to not eat them!
This is an alternative idea for using mushrooms if you want to make a sort of sauce for the steak, instead of grilling them. Or maybe in addition to ... it's good! This dish can switch-hit as either a side dish or a sauce, and men will love it either way. The cumin gives it a "smoky" flavor men seem to adore, and garlic is as manly as they get, right?
Salt-Crusted Baked Potatoes
Piggy liked potatoes, and he liked them baked. That's no surprise, since he's male, of course. This is an easy recipe and allows for effortless organization, in that it can be done in the oven about an hour before the steaks start to grill, so that everything can be done at the same time. Piggy also likes this treatment because then he doesn't have to remember to turn the oven on for finishing the steaks -- anything to save a step and it appeals to his mathematical and organizational preferences!
Excessively Piggy Candy Rolls
As Piggy is not really a pig or a gornt, he can't be accused of cannibalism here. How much more manly and ingredient can you offer than bacon, in any case? And how about a dessert made from bacon?? The Wraiths always squeal with simultaneous disgust and glee when Piggy brings out the brown paper sack full of porky delights. It's the type of excessive treat that finishes an indulgent dinner to perfection. And since it's a birthday dinner, each little roll can have a candle stuck in it and the rolls arranged on a plate like a cake, then light. Make a wish, then watch as everyone eyes each other to see who dares to take the first piece ... don't worry, there is never any left! (Some of the manlier Wraiths even like it on ice cream ... imagine that!)
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